“You have to stop this year.”

My dad brought me the news with heavy eyes but, I knew it from the moment I failed in one of my courses. I knew I have twenty percent chance that I can continue my studies and eighty percent of it, was the chance that I will pause from studying. I failed to maintain my grades as I was scholar in a private institution. Nevertheless, I was astonished when my dad talked me about it since it was two months ago that I confessed I have to retake the course. His first reaction, was I think he could not believe it because, I was an achiever since elementary or he knew I was really studying hard at night. I couldn’t blame his reaction but I was glad he was not disappointed. In fact, he looked so sad about it. He tried to ask me if engineering was really the one I love, but that day I had decided to continue what I have started and so I said yes. It is the truth, I really wanted to be an engineer. Before he asked me that, he first questioned me if I want to shift my program.

To tell you the truth, it took me almost a month before I gathered my courage to spill him the beans. In fact, I had no plans on telling the truth. It just came that I need someone’s help. I have to reach out for help. It was never an easy feat because it never come upon my mind that I will fail or maybe it was because my scores were the evidences. It was indeed a shame for someone who was an achiever. It pulled my confidence onto the hell. I thought that I never really did my best in studying but I will still justify that I still did because studying online was difficult for someone who does not have anything. But still, I blamed myself for it because I was the one who was studying right? Whom shall I blame? The professor? No, I just could not. Everyone has a problem so I just couldn’t be upset or swear at him. I was simply upset how unfair life was. I never really thought about myself being smart and dumb, I always think I was just an average, however, college made me think that I was really dumb. A stupid who did not study smarter but harder.

When I saw my grades, that was the time I just overcame suicidal thoughts but still my mental health was still unstable. It made my mental health worst because just like what I have read, I was my own favorite punching bag. I was really hard about myself. I could not forgive myself for failing and disappointing my entire family. That was the first time I failed in my entire life, I thought. I overthink a lot since February up until now, about how could I earn money while studying. It haunted me every night resulting to sleepless nights. I was so broken that oftentimes, I could not breath. It was really difficult to inhale and exhale. Up until now, I am tearing up. I would admit, it was still fresh on me and couldn’t accept this failure. I felt like I failed the whole family. If you would dive in my mind, you wish you didn’t. If you could see how I was coping before, I was so lazy that I didn’t want to move in my bed. Oftentimes, I overslept or sometimes had lack of sleep. I was so unhealthy myself. I tried my very best to move myself; April, May, Half of June were my productive months. The reason was, my mom had a job and as the older in the family, I have to take the responsibility.

I couldn’t stop myself but have anxiety because my family have pre-existing afflictions. I don’t know how I am coping but yeah, I am doing fine.

It was really good, because I temporarily forgot my problems. I tried to focus myself on studying the other courses left eventually I passed. But, now that the new academic year in the private institution was really coming, I have to face my reality. I am still retaking the course and I can say that I am learning.

So, when my dad brought me the news, I never said anything. I was silent, thinking and feeling what my heart felt. Surprisingly, I wasn’t sad but I wasn’t glad too. I really don’t know if that was good but, I was not downhearted. I wasn’t sad at all because I don’t know. Perhaps, it was because, I knew from the very start I couldn’t learn online with all the resources I had and I don’t have anyone to talk about the lectures. Or maybe, I wanted God to move in my life. I wanted to witness his miracles on my life. If I will study for this academic year, I will still grab the chance, if not then, I will still accept it and try next time. I wouldn’t had to think about maintaining grades, how will we get the money to pay for my tuition. I wouldn’t be guilty of the money they will pay for this school year.

“I will have rest for one year!” I thought.



Ironically, before the pandemic happened I was really afraid about having no school because I didn’t passed on any public universities. I was so insecured with my friends and schoolmates that they did well and passed their dream university. I really didn’t want to work that was why I chose studying but, right now, I just want to work.

I have no idea what path shall I take. I am thinking hard as my future depends on it. I have many choices on my plate but it is difficult for me as I have no control in everything. I prayed a lot to God about it. Ever since, he is really my rescue and my rest. I thanked God for a lot people helped me to overcome this failure. My sisters are teaching me a lot on how to accept failure and to take care of myself with God. We are helping everyone to ease everyone’s struggle, sharing hardships and scripture that might help. The brothers are out there reaching me. My parents are helping me on what solution should we do, especially my dad because my mom, when she discovered it, she says a lot of things I don’t want you to know. It pained me thinking about it so I will not tell you. Smile. Also, my mom had another problem financially so I do understand and the fact their knowledge about college is limited. I just added mine on their problems. But, I am halfway of forgiving. My ate Louise told me that it takes a lot of grace to forgive. Also, ate Louise just discovered it last Monday and she is helping me a lot spiritually and mentally. I’m really really glad that I talked about it to her because I was able to express myself about everything. Little did I know that I was really hiding my emotions. I thought that I am okay but I am not because I am avoiding it. I am so thankful for everyone helping me cope to this phase. I thank God, because of these people around me. I appreciate them, a lot.

Failure is okay.

Failure is part of life for us to learn.

Failure is fine.

It takes a lot of courage to pause from studying but it is okay. Remember that and take heart, always!

Surprisingly, it is okay to fail.