Things are not going well.

For the first month of deciding that I want to live, a lot of backlashes and challenges were given to me. I thought that giving it a chance to do what I want will really help me to make my life longer and have the sense of purpose. It indeed help me live what I wanted to live, however, in the long run, there would be always a failure where my expectations failed me. It is my fault for having those expectations that is why I am fixing a lot of things in me to make me confident of what I have been doing. I was really happy and glad because I was doing things I really love. I created an art which I can really appreciate my artistic hands and mind. I was doing it out of love and passion. What I really remember when making crafts was what my mom said to me,

“You’re not making anything, pa-shopee shopee ka pa.”

It motivated to get up and do what I have been planning. That really brightens my dim life.

Things are going well.

I planned to launch my small business before Monday, October 25, 2021. I have been doing a lot, and was busy on launching my small business. I was really dedicated on that to help me on my online class and to also help my family. Even if, it is a small business and there is uncertainty that it would blow up, I think it would help me on my mental health and at least feel that I am worthy. That I can bring miracle to my family, that I can bring myself out of my own nightmare.

And boom, everything just shattered.

My dream was stucked in my head. I hope this dream will come alive. I still have to figure out things where I am so sure to take the risk. My doubts and laziness went back in a snap of finger. I just cannot move anything because I was drowning from the thoughts of being a failure. I was in the depth of cutting my veins, thinking it would be worthwhile. I do not know why that thing is in my choices when I have a lot of options. I could attend in a free consultation online or share it to someone whom I trust.

But, I was not ready or I do not want that someone to look bad.

It frustrated me up until now, how unbelievable his reasoning. I never expected that someone whom I thought really understood me, wasn’t really understand where I stand and where I am. He witnessed how brokenhearted I was that is why I still do not understand why he need to brought the topic where he knew I was sensitive to that topic. He brought the topic of why did I failed on every aspect of my life and relate it to the freaking politics. Just to be relevant? And to tell that he was right to what he believed? Because he wanted me to be saved?

From what?

All he thought he knew, was just a freaking conspiracy. I was really angry for what he has done. I avoid cursing but I couldn’t stop myself but cursed at him because I just cannot believe that he judged me and he said a LOT of hurtful things. I was hurt and disappointed. I thought it was okay to have a healthy discussion about politics, but little did I know, it wasn’t healthy nor discussion. It was an argument on where we both stand.

I never blamed him for what I have done after that argument. I was the one who have chosen to stop my world and throw all the things behind everything. However, he was the one who triggered my unstable mental health. He really shouldn’t have done that to me and slap me those hurtful words in my face. Having no remorse when he was seeing I was crying and just blurt it out in my ears.

I am also terrified of what he can do just to make me believe to where his stance is. It was really traumatic that he still choose to instill fear to correct me. I am always telling him that instilling fear will never be right to teach your children, but he did that to me even though it wasn’t really a correction for me. I was now afraid and scared of Saturdays. It brought a bunch of memories on me because he is a father who is before a drunkard and gets into fight.

He was changed and I am grateful for that. I thanked God because he really changed who he was. He may not be the perfect father but I love him that is why I prayed for them and for us to be changed. I understood that all of us have a shortcomings and God is carving our characteristics.

I do believe on that. I was just hurt because up until now, I feel like nothing’s happened and it irritates my impatient heart. I hope dad will learn to accept that he was wronged like what he was been saying all the time to us. I can say sorry first because I kind of disrespected him, but I do not want to. I really do not want to, because it is unfair for me to apologize first. I was not the one who started this and interrupted me on studying just to say he is right. However, I do not want things to pile up on me.

I started moving forward from failure a months ago and then I am in the middle of dilemma again. Great for someone like me who just want to do an art. Everything feels so heavy and the atmosphere I create in the house is awkward. I can feel my hatred whenever I see dad. I knew the only thing that could erase this hatred is forgiveness, but how? When no one wanted to humble themselves to ask for forgiveness.

Should I forgive in silence?

No, that’s not should be the question. Think another because that would not help me. Everything is difficult, right? I wanted to end things and forgive and forget so that I can move and write and create and sing and dance and be peaceful at the end of my life. But, I just can’t. I know humbleness brings peace to your soul and it is good to have a non-toxic life. It will help me grow and learn and to have a pure heart.

Something pops out in my mind that would help me ask for forgiveness. Who am I giving that? Is that someone really important to me? Do I want to fix my relationship to that someone?

It’s really unfair.

“Ang daya-daya.”

I really hope he was not courageous to ask for forgiveness and he was just waiting for me, because if he really thought that what he did was the best for me. I might back out. Now, I am thinking when and what shall I ask. I will only ask for forgiveness for what I knew I was wronged.

He is my father, afterall, he accepted me as his. It saddens me that they couldn’t humble themselves for their child. By this, I hope and pray that they will learn to be gentle and nice and stop being delusional. I understand that they lack information, knowledge and wisdom and the generational curse shall stop on me. I am glad I wrote here and decided to share this thing that has been hurting my soul.

I was really praying that God’s grace will be on me so that I could erase the hatred and humble myself and now I am decided. I thanked God because I have now plan on what to do. I can no longer have this emptiness, anger, self-doubt, negativity, sorrowful, sadness, anxiety and everything that filled me up during those days. It is stressing me and I do not like it.

I pray by this, things will go well.

Hi, Grace, filled me in.

PS. Photo is from pinterest.