It’s not about the physical mask where all people were obliged to follow the health minimum standards that were given by the government. It’s all about the mask we were trying to wear wherever we were. It was non-tangible. I somehow understood why people wear that, it’s because we were trying to hide things we do not like to share with other people. As well as we were not prone to judgment from other people. However, how and why I wasn’t wearing that?

It was kinda tricky for me because I still have secrets that nobody knew I was like that. I wasn’t that transparent at all, but I could say that I am not wearing a mask or trying to hide anything from anyone. I have questions in my mind if wearing a mask makes anyone fake? or is it to protect themselves from getting unnecessary judgment or do they just decide to wear it for peace? Or does wearing a mask can protect them from unwanted things such as petty dramas?

I don’t know what was right and wrong. It was very challenging to talk about things you weren’t really aware of. I just somehow find it a very interesting topic to write about. As I was writing, I learned that talking about things you never had experienced made it more realistic. I mean, people will always talk about things they never experience and they were proud of their believes without even thinking that it might be hurtful to someone who had really experienced it. It’s very general but I knew you had an idea what was fitted to this. We all have different levels of tolerance, you know.

Let’s go back to the real topic, I would only talk about myself. I felt like I am who I am today because whenever I was sad, I wouldn’t hesitate to show I was sad and would honestly tell it to my friend who asked me if I am. It was kinda fun to tell it here because most of the time I was moody and everyone around me knew how I could ruin the mood because of my face telling how frustrated and tired I was. I somehow hated myself for that because in an instant I could ruin the happiness around me. I don’t know if it was a good or right thing to do. I just cannot find myself faking my emotion. I never liked myself showing my smile even though I wasn’t really happy. I wouldn’t dare to do that.

Perhaps, I did fake my emotion and realized it later on. I somehow learned how to accept my emotion and try to keep them myself whenever I was angry. Does keeping it myself made me wear a mask? I think no, by keeping it myself means I was really upset by the circumstances. As much as possible I will try to find the solution to this hatred lurking in my heart because it doesn’t make me feel at peace, you know. We all wanted peace in our lifetime because that makes us alive. I acknowledged it and will try not to produce a not-so-good outcome because I do not want regrets in my life. I have done so many things in my life and later on, I regretted all of that.

However, what was so good about not wearing a mask? On not pretending you were okay? To be honest, it was vague for me if wearing a mask was not being yourself. The idea was so vast that I wasn’t sure of anything and claiming anything will not do me any good. Still, I want to share what are the advantages of managing your emotions well.

It makes me feel that I already had boundaries with other people. Even if, I considered them a family. Whenever I do not like something, I will honestly tell that I was uncomfortable doing things I wasn’t willing at all. I gladly that most of them are understanding and sometimes it was a shame for me to deny and refuse things they were asking for, but I still do it anyway. To also help people around me who I am, that sometimes they made jokes that they thought they are funny and me, who was sensitive will always try to find a chance to tell other people that joke was uncomfortable for me. I learned a lot from this because I was also insensitive and my choice of words was not good before.

Take note that I will always try not to hurt them, will always be gentle as much as I can. You know, I still have anger issues that I want to fix because I knew how traumatic it was hearing your loved ones telling things that were unnecessary. I don’t want to blame anyone for having anger issues because it was me who doesn’t have enough patience. It was one of my big problems and will always try to be responsible enough whenever I did horrible things. I hated myself for that.

So, see to it that we all have shortcomings. It was a matter of managing ourselves and how we would fight on the reality and harshness of life. It wouldn’t be easy for us and everyone but your life is worth fighting for. Whether we wear a mask or not, it’s us. It was we who decide and choose for ourselves. I hope we all can fight the urge of cutting ties with the world.

Fighting!