Anxiety was all over my body. I feel like I do not deserve to talk about this because all I did in the past days were things I never liked at all. I guess this was what you called karma.

I feel like having anxiety was uncontrollable because if only I could control it then I would be glad not to be so. It dried up my peace and all I could think was how worried I was about everything. I would not slander anything or anyone but I wanted to share the experience and how I was coping.

We had talked about this in the church, specifically, it was a women’s devotional. The speaker addressed battling mental health and how should we think about it. The talk was not just inspirational but it was realistic because you know things were going difficult in the church also. Reminiscing how the devotional went, it was really wholesome. It nourished and strengthened my soul and faith.

The women in the church were really gentle and they knew how an issue should be talked about. The church was really good for my soul, I could say and testify. It was my brain who corrupted my whole being. We clearly understood that it was fine not to be okay. We were trying to help each and everyone to be transparent and whenever we needed help, they were there. We were always trying to have a strategy on how things should be done. I love how they approached their brothers and sisters when they sensed or knew that something was off. They would always ask how were you in the past days. How things were going?

I just love how they were gentle and really understood things about having an unstable mind. In fact, we were all.

There was one question there that is it okay to follow Jesus and still battling depression?

Now that this question came up, is it really okay? I remembered that the speaker told us that it was fine, but I don’t remember everything and I don’t have notes. (I’m sorry) However, it was in my mind that the church was for brokenhearted. Also, there were people in the bible who also have depressions like David, Job, and Jesus himself. She explained the emotional trauma these people went through. Now, that I thought about it, I’m not the only one who struggled.

God still used them.

God cares.

God wants to shoulder those anxieties we have and to be dependent on him. God will eventually makes us stronger. That what was he did in me. I don’t have this mindset before because I was so different.

We also knew that following Jesus was not easy as the world says. It wasn’t easy to forgive. It wasn’t easy to do good. It wasn’t easy to stick and have a strong faith when all I did was doubt everything, even myself. It wasn’t easy to deny myself, because my nature accepts pleasure that the world offers. You know, nothing was assured that you wouldn’t sin by following Jesus. When I sinned, I hated myself and I feel like I couldn’t forgive myself. But, God has taught me a lot to be gentle and not be harsh.

The speaker also emphasized how important to treat your mental health as significant to your physical health. She also shared a remedy to battle mental health in a godly and scientific way. All in all, it was very touching to reminisce and it helped me realize that I should go now to a professional, char coz I don’t have money for that.

I was really struggling about my education and if I was really on the right track. I questioned myself a lot. I don’t know what was important for me. I was not feeling anything and was just on the bed thinking I was resting when I was not. Most of the time, I was tired and oversleeping or no sleep at all. I realized that I have been experiencing all the signs of depression, that was why I was writing here even if I still have a lot of things to do. Yet, I was glad that I did something unlike the past days where I have been sulking and suffering alone without knowing why. I don’t want to do things really, I don’t want to solve, but will do it still. I thought that I was doing fine, doing my hobbies. It was clearly obsession and pleasure. It saddened me how things ended up, but I think I still have a long way to go.

The title seemed contradicting you know, because people assumed that being religious will not make us worried. That believing God will not make us sad.

There will be times where we praise God even though we were not feeling it. There will be times where we attend church even though we want to stay on the bed. There will be times where we pray just looking at the ceiling. There will be times where we lose hope.

We were not always inspired but most of the time we were in sorrow, but we knew how God works. It wouldn’t be easy to manage myself but I have an idea what to do now, and it makes me feel thing at least. Eventually, things will be alright then another challenges will come at your house, knocking at your door. That’s how life cycles, right?