Unang salta ko sa sielesyu, ay pinuntahan ko kaagad ang aklatan. Wala naman kasi sa lugar namin, bukod pa ro’n hindi ako nagkaroon ng pagkakataon na makapagbasa-basa sa dati kong paaralan. 

Namamalagi ako roon sa may humanities section. Sa filipiniana section sana kaso medyo mahigpit tapos isang araw lang pwede hiramin yung mga libro at thesis do’n. Ang ganda kasi ng mga upuan at lamesa, pero bumaba rin ako minsan kasi ayos din naman ang ambiance. 

Ito ang unang librong nabasa ko sa sielesyu, March 2023. Inuwi at hiniram ko ito tapos sa paligid ako ng sielesyu pa nagbasa kasi nature eh. Sa boarding house ko sana babasahin kaso maikli lang naman, kayang tapusin ng ilang minuto. Kasabay nang pagbabasa ko sa mga salita eh nakikipagsabayan din ang mga ibon sa puno. Tapos ako lang mag-isa, wala pa akong kilala. Hindi pa ako malapit sa mga kaklase ko. Hindi ko pa rin sila kilala.

Tears of silence ni Jean Vanier. Isang poetry book na may lamang mga retrato. Napukaw ang atensyon ko rito kasi may mga retrato at mga tula na madaling intindihin. Tungkol sa komunidad. There’s something about it that some of it tells who I am and who I wanna be and why I wanna be. This has touched my core and I’ve been holding this for a while. 

Isa sa mga nakalagay doon, “Who can liberate me from myself whose heart has been stoned? How many times will there be a barrier when meeting others?” I’ve been stoned. My heart hardened for such a long time. I don’t want to get hurt and so I didn’t really care about others, I didn’t mind them, I didn’t let anyone in my life, and have them know my thoughts, perspectives and feelings entirely. I don’t want to ask for help. I don’t wanna think about anything. That’s why I think there’s a barrier between me and the people I encounter. I used to describe or call them classmates, dormmates, roommates, churchmates, but not friends. However, they really are my friends, I just used to have a wall. 

Maybe, the girl that I was, wanted or needed protection and saving. 

As the time went by, I spent more time with other people, with my friends in the classroom, my friends in dorm and boarding house, my friends in an organization and my friends in church. Even when I don’t ask for help, I would find them helping me, because my body and mental capacity cannot endure what I’ve been trying to hide. I have been starting to notice others, their smiles, their eyes, their attention, and what they have been doing, dreaming and wanting in their lives. I am really curious, why do they have dreams? Why are they doing what they’re doing? Bakit? Hindi ba mahirap? It must be. What keeps them going?

“Bakit ako parang ang bilis ko sumuko?”

“Bakit naniniwala sila sa paniniwala nila?”

“Parang wala namang pag-asa?” 

I saw how their eyes sparkled whenever they talked about things they love and are interested in. They get so excited and wouldn’t stop talking about it until their breath runs out.

I think I was hoping to save myself from myself, however, I think what opened my heart was when people have been asking me how I was. How I was doing in sielesyu? Kumusta na ako… Kumusta na ang kalagayan ko, sa eskwelahan, pamilya, simbahan, pinansyal at iba pang aspeto ng buhay ko? I told them everything I could tell. I didn’t know that the queen of being nonchalant is melting away.

Then, I read this book again in February 2024. It says there, about an encounter. How wonderful and strange it is to be present with one another. Not only that I encounter people in my life, but between those moments in my life that I see God. I was like, “Is that you, God?” “Is this you wanting to get closer with me once more?” Nakipag-break na kasi ako kay Lord before I even get to sielesyu. I was like, I don’t think I can continue my life getting restrained. I don’t think I can live for you. I don’t think I can do things. I don’t think I understand my purpose and I don’t think I am aligned on the things you wanted me to do. I just don’t understand.

My plan was to leave everyone in my hometown after I graduate. That girl was just hurt po.

Then, I remembered I asked God about it, that I don’t know Him anymore even after becoming a disciple for years, that I asked Him if it’s still okay for me to do it once again, to know him, to study him, and to understand him. I knew it’s God talking to me when people around me started to talk about God. My landlord is a devotee and she is sharing things about God and has given me money that I didn’t ask for and she shares us some food. I have a roommate as well that we talked about God and religion. Someone also shared with me that the masses believe in God, because He is their hope in the midst of poverty and oppression. I also have roommates and dormmates that were just writing and journaling their devotion to God. I would see her at 4 or 5 AM reading the Bible in the living room and me, I would just study beside or across her.

I was curious about it, hmm, why are they so devoted? What do they want to know?

Not that I see God, but I feel Him. I knew it was God, because of the things I’ve been experiencing and seeing. That’s why, I really had a declaration to go back, why not? I want to understand your ways, Lord, eka ko. 

This year is 2025. September 2025, I am writing about people I encountered, the community I am in, and God. There’s this satisfaction and fulfillment I have. It was really crazy. I am still in the process of knowing everyone I know and God. Isn’t it really crazy? I am learning to see that my life has meaning, just as it is written in this book. I see how much I have been alive for a year. I think that’s the purpose. I think that’s what I’ve been looking for and what God wants me to do. It is to love myself and others and God. I am learning to love building relationships with myself and others and God. 

And while I am away from home, I am learning how to love and maybe I will be able to fully love the home I used to live in. I went away, because I think that’s how I can love them. I just forgot and God helped me remember what I want, it is to love my family and it just so happened na pinalaki niya ang lawak ng kanyang pagmamahal.